Infant Attachment

 A friend has inquired about infant attachment issues related to adoption and I wanted to share my thoughts. The surprising thing is it isn't instant. I can't tell you how many people say "it was an instant attachment right away, right?" You feel a mother's love instantly and you would do anything to protect that child. Attachment takes more time. Our Homestudy social worker, instructed us to take a couple days to bond with the baby before the family comes to visit. We picked her up on Saturday and no family came to visit till Tuesday. Then for about 2 weeks straight we had visitors. After they all left it was just me and Kara while Matt worked. I felt very much like I was floundering. I didn't know what she wanted when she cried. I didn't know what to do when she wouldn't sleep. I knew that I loved her but that was about the only thing I was sure about. As I spent more time with her, I learned what her cries meant. I learned what she needed when. I started to build that connection. I knew I could take care of her and she trusted me to do it. It took a good week of just the two of us to attach. Matt took a little longer. He was at work all day so he only had the evenings to build that connection. The first couple weeks I could tell he didn't know what to do and I did. I realized though if I took care of her every time she got upset he wouldn't build that connection. That is where the mother needs to step back and let daddy figure it out. That is when they connected.
The only other thing I would say for adopting an infant is something my mother-in-law told me. Don't be afraid to hold the baby. A friend of hers had adopted two infants. She said the only thing she would have done different was to hold them more. They had severe separation anxiety, and holding them would have made a difference.