Losing Sarah

This post is a little more difficult to write then some. I know many of you have been praying for us though and I wanted to let you know where we are. Tuesday the 28th Sarah went to live with a family member. We found out exactly a week before she moved that she was moving. It was a bit of a shock because there had been no mention of finding a family member before that day. Losing Sarah was one of the most difficult things I have ever had happen. We loved her as if she were our own. I cared for her 24/7 for two months. I took a little 4lb 2 ounce baby and turned her into an 8lb 11ounce baby. We bathed, dressed, and fed her but more importantly we loved her. We knew when we got into foster parenting that it would be difficult but until you actually have to let go you don't realize how difficult. A lot of people say they understand but you don't really understand unless you have been through it. I have had many times where the pain is overwhelmed me and I have cried for her. I have times where something triggers it and I feel like I can't breath for a moment. Matt has had moments where he really misses her. Like in the morning when he would feed her and take her for a run sometimes. Kara has asked for her and sometimes forgets she is gone. Kara has also been good about drying mommies tears and of course she is a wonderful distraction. From the beginning I have prayed that God's will be done in Sarah's life. She is safe and she is loved and she will know God's love and will be taught about him. It is not what I would choose because I wouldn't let her go given the option. But it is what God chose and his wisdom is far beyond mine. So we are hurting but we are also healing. God is comforting the hole in our hearts and has once again given us the desire to help someone else who needs safety and love. Matt and I have chosen to go out of town this weekend just the three of us because we think it will help us reconnect and to get away and not have to talk to others (which we are not quite ready to do) and help with our healing process. We have plans to visit family in MN in a couple weeks. When we get back we are going to once again be open to take a foster baby. You may ask "Why on earth would you do that again? After all the pain you were put through why?" That is a very reasonable question and the only answer we have is "Why would we not?" there are many children out there who need the love. It hurts and I don't want to go through this again. But my baby (Sarah) is safe and loved. I have the time and resources to give another child the same safety and love we gave Sarah till her home was found. This is a mission I feel God has given my family. God never once said that life was easy and we aren't taking the easy way out. We can do this only with the strength and grace of God but he has already given it to us abundantly. So we ask you to pray for us and we continue our healing and that God would prepare our hearts for what he has in our future.

A New Journey- Becoming a foster family

As many of you know, our family has decided to become a Foster Family. We will be bringing in infants-1 year-old little ones who need a place, whether it be for a night or a year or forever. Matt and I are open to the idea of adoption but that is not our goal with foster parenting. Our goal is to provide a safe and loving place for a child until they can be reunited with their family. This journey is exciting for our family. It is not something we are entering into lightly.
A walk through our decision making. I was thinking the age old "I wouldn't be able to give the baby back." Which is what everyone thinks. Then I realized that I was putting my needs and feelings above those of this little child who, at no fault of there own, have found themselves in an impossible situation. I have the ability and resources and love to help a child, why wouldn't I do that.
My second fear was how would this affect my child. I was concerned that bringing a baby into our home only to have it leave after a few months would be hurtful and confusing to her.  Talking with other parents who have been through that with their children. They all say that it was more beneficial for their children than hurtful. Don't get me wrong, it will be hard on all of us when you have to give a baby back. We are going into this knowing and understanding that though. We have chosen to look at it like this: Sad for us but we can rejoice at what God has done in that family.
So here we are about to start on this journey. We have already done our parenting classes, turned in the mountain of paperwork, passed DHEC, fire inspection, and our homestudy. Now we are just going to wait for our license to come in.
We covet your prayers in our lives and are thankful for all the support we have been shown. We are open to any questions and would love to share our experience so far with anyone thinking about foster parenting.

James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Feeling Thankful

It has been over a year since I updated this. I am not great at the blogging stuff.
I wanted to update my blog today because as most of you know KARA IS WALKING! This is not just fun party trick walking anymore. This is actually walking as in she is using it as her mode of transportation. This has just started a few days ago and she is getting better everyday. I tease her and tell her she looks like a little T Rex. She holds her little arms up in front of her to help balance and shifts her weight with every step.
Today I was thinking back on the day 3 years ago,  when we sat in her Neurosurgeon's office. It was our third day with her and she was so tiny and innocent. I remember she was sleeping in my arms as he told us "I can't tell you what your future holds. She could be severely disabled or she could be the top of her class. We just don't know." As a new parent that was scary but it didn't change the way we felt about this baby and it didn't change our mind about keeping her. She was our daughter no matter what life threw at us. Matt and I decided that day that we were going to help her reach her potential. We weren't going to push her beyond what she could do but get her as far as she was able.  We have been blessed beyond measure.
At the time we didn't know what we would face Cognitively. As of now we have no concerns. She started signing at 15 months, talking at 18 months. By 2 she could sing her ABC's, by 2 1/2 she could sing The Star Spangled Banner. She can sing any children's song you ask her to. She is 3 now and know's some of her colors and most of her shapes, as well as the days of the weeks and the months of the year. She is in preschool and learned of her teacher's and classmates names in the first week. Often when disciplining her I think to myself "She is way to smart for her own good." We didn't know what we would face but we stepped out on faith and we have no concerns.
Socially we didn't know what to expect. If you have met Kara you know there is no concern. She is the most social child I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. She is not one to hide behind mom and dad and look away when you speak to her. She will talk to ever person she meets and play with anyone willing to play with her. She wouldn't think twice about going home with a stranger. She loves everybody.
Physically has been our biggest hurdle so far. She didn't lift her head till 6 months, she didn't sit till 9 months, she didn't army crawl until 18 months, and she took her first tiny steps the month before she turned 3. Now at 3 years and 5 months she has finally started walking. We are starting to catch up and she are so proud of how hard she has worked to get to this point. Don't think we were saints through this whole ordeal. I can't tell you how many times I pestered her therapist begging me to tell me if she would ever walk, then begging her to tell me when she would walk, and asking her if she would be able to walk unassisted. I can't tell you how many times I had to remind myself to be thankful for what she could do instead of dwelling on what she couldn't. I can't begin to tell you how frustrated I would get just to have our therapist gently remind me that the important thing is that she is making progress. Then there was the thoughtless people who made heart breaking remarks at the parks or the library. I am thankful that through all this she has had wonderful therapist who have celebrated her achievements with us as well as good friends and loving family who have cheered with us and rejoiced with us over her accomplishments.
So as I think back to that day and how unclear our future wasm and the huge step of faith we took, I can't help but be thankful. God has given us the most wonderful, sweetest, most beautiful child and we couldn't be more grateful. He has gone beyond that and blessed us over and over with her and he has helped us every step of the way. He has been our strength in hospital stays and surgeries and discouraging days. He has put people in our life everyday to help our daughter, to love our daughter, and to encourage us. Now that we have reached this major milestone we are so thankful for the opportunity we have to be her parents and I wouldn't trade her anyone. Thank you for all who have been there to rejoice with us and love her so much. We took the road less traveled and that has made all the difference.
Praising the Lord for His goodness!

Hey everyone, Kara is doing great! She is supported walking with her shopping cart and holding our hands. Her knees are turned in when she walks. The opposite of bow legged but not so bad that it is knee knocking. Her therapist thinks and hopes she will outgrow it as she gets stronger and more confident. For now we are just going to keep doing walking exercises.
Kara is getting glasses. Her right eye is very near sighted and she has normal vision in her left. This once again makes me shake my head and wonder how her first eye doctor can get it so wrong. He said she was farsighted and gave her glasses for that. He didn't dilate her eyes to give us that diagnosis. This doctor not only dilated them but she also spent a great amount of time looking in them. All the while keeping Kara happy and interested. She also let me look in her eyes and explained what I was seeing.
I wanted to tell a little story about a situation that came up while at the park today. I think it holds a lesson for non special need parents and special need parents as well. Kara was crawling around on the playground equipment and just playing and having fun. Another parent walked by and said to Kara "You are an awful big baby."
I was a little confused by why in the world she would say that and said "she isn't a baby she is two."
She said "I know it is just that she is crawling around."
I told her "She can't walk." Which led her to get all flustered and say something else about other kids crawling around not just your daughter, if she is your daughter..... and on and on it went.
So for the non special needs mom the lesson is simple. Don't say something about another child is doing if you don't know that child or their parent because there may be something you don't know. Then for those who aren't adoptive parents; always assume that if someone is with a child it is their child. If you are wrong no big deal. Families come in all shapes and sizes and it is less embarrassing for you and the adoptive parent if you just assume the child is theirs.
Now for special needs parents. When I first became a special needs parent, I was easily offended and overly sensitive and fiercely protective of my daughter. I have now had a little experience with rude people. ignorant people, and even some really nice people who mean no harm and accidentally say something insensitive and I have learned to let it roll off my back. A lot of people mean no harm and I know I can sometimes be insensitive without meaning too. As a special needs parent you are going to hear it all and the best you can do is move on. If you dwell on it and stew over it or blow up and get upset that will continue on to your precious child and make them feel as if something is wrong with them. Instead lets teach them that they are special and make them secure in your love. Dwell on the amazing things they can do and not the things they can't do.
Just some thoughts I had from the day. As always we are incredibly thankful for our daughter and all the joy and happiness she has brought to our lives.

Post surgery

Kara's surgery is done and over! Thank you all for your prayers. So far everything has gone well. She had a little trouble in recovery waking up. They eventually gave her some morphine because she was continually upset and they figured that she it was more than having trouble waking up. The morphine makes her sleepy and she fell asleep in my arms after that. Before the morphine she was crying a lot and the only word she said was "yea" when I asked her if she wanted daddy to hold her. I was so very thankful he was there. When she woke up after the morphine and we got her dressed she said "yea" a couple more times but she wasn't talking like normal. On the way home we gave her some food and milk and after a few minutes she looked at me and said "I love you". Then she looked at Matt when he turned around to check on us and said to him "I love you." Nothing could have made us happier. By the time we got home she had started singing with her Toddler Tunes CD.
Her eyes are really red. Startling if you are unprepared for it. She hasn't needed any Tylonel since the evening of surgery day. We have to put drops in 4 times a day. I am monitoring her temperature for signs of infection but so far she is doing great. We go back the doctor on the 19th for Post Op. They said it could take up to 6 weeks for the eyes to fully straighten out but they looks straighter to us already.
They also checked her prescription while under. Turns out her left eye is near sighted and her right is far sighted. Her old glasses were for farsightedness which obviously wouldn't have helped her left eye at all. It would have helped the right though and that was her dominate eye which explains why she seemed to see better with the glasses. Although we are going to check them again but it looks like we may be going back to glasses. Not exactly what I wanted to hear but what is best for her is what is most important to me.
Praising God for his grace and mercy. I was really nervous the day of her surgery but Psalm 146 helped calm me down and focus on the fact that God is in control. Nothing happens outside his will and he loves her more than I do. Thanking God for Kara and how he has watched over her so far. I can honestly say we have seen God move in her little life so much. It didn't take us long to realize we have zero power and he is completely in control. Kara is a constant reminder.
Our prayer requests are just that she would not get an infection (which I am most concerned about). That the redness in her eyes doesn't last too long, and the last is that we can get her eye drops in without too much of a fight. Thank you for your prayers
Matt, Lindsay, and Kara

Starting two with more surgery.

Wow, life has been so busy for us lately. Just got back from a month vacation early Saturday morning. Sunday Kara turned 2! Time has flown. Matt and I are so proud of Kara and all she has accomplished in her two years. She is all over the place and so very busy. Getting into everything and her new favorite word is "down". Unfortunately she wants down whether we are at a gas station, airport, or anywhere else completely filthy.
Today has left my head spinning. We had a Pediatrician appointment this morning. Kara is doing great, healthy, happy. She got her last immunization till she is 4. Assuming she doesn't get sick, she doesn't have to go to the doctor again till her 3 year check-up.
After the pediatrician we had an ophthalmology appointment with a new Pediatric Ophthalmologist. Now for you to understand why my head was spinning I need to give you a little background. We started taking Kara to the Ophthalmologist when she was 5 months old, and fresh out of the hospital. Her eyes were consistently crossed which may have been caused by the pressure in her head. She has been seeing him every few months since then and he has told us over and over to patch her eyes. Then he prescribed her glasses and continued to tell us to patch her eyes. I was getting a little frustrated with the continuing of patching her eyes with no change or hope for the future. To make matters worse the Ophthalmologist would not answer my questions and even had moments where he was down right rude to me. Needless to say Matt and I were unhappy with him. So I got referred to the only other Pediatric Ophthalmologist in town (to clarify there are other Ophthalmologist who take children. This is the only other Only Pediatric Ophthalmologist in Greenville.) We had our first appointment with her today. She was much better with Kara. Her diagnosis is what threw me for a loop. She dilated Kara's eyes, which her other Ophthalmologist had only done her very first visit. She spent a lot of time checking Kara's eyes and used lots of different tools that I had never seen used. She told me that Kara has a condition called Esotropia. She said her eyes were seeing double vision therefore her brain told her left eye to stop pretty much which is why it turned in. To correct it she needs to get the left eye working again before it completely shuts down. She has us putting drops in the right eye everyday that will blur her vision and dilate her eye. Then on August 14th she will have eye muscle surgery. She made it very clear that this is not something we can wait on. She was booked until October but told her assistant that we have to get Kara in before that. She still may not get back any form of depth perception we are praying that she will. The kicker was when she told me she doesn't need glasses. So my daughter who previously was prescribed patches and glasses by one doctor, now needs surgery asap with drops to blur her vision everyday all day and no glasses. I am obviously nervous that my daughter is once again having surgery but more than anything I am confused. Not only did my daughter get two different diagnosis' but they are completely opposite. I have zero medical knowledge so how do I know who is right and who is wrong? For now we are going to do the surgery and are just praying that God protects her and guides us in this new challenge he has given us.
Please pray with us for little Kara.
Matt and Lindsay  

Walking and talking!

Hello everyone! Since most of my followers are facebook friends, you have probably already seen the video of Kara taking steps. I cannot tell you how exciting this is to us. We are delighted that she is learning to walk. Those of you who have special needs family members understand what a major accomplishment this is. When we brought her home, we weren't sure what we were facing with her future. God has enabled her to be a normal child. Her physical is a little late but the big thing is it is there. I can't tell you how much it delights me to see her get in to trouble. Even though it can be frustrating it is at the same time thrilling that she is able to do it. So our goal is to have her walking by two.
As always we are so very thankful for her. We had an assessment done with Babynet last month and the results were great. Her personal and Social score was exactly age appropriate as well as her self-help. Her cognition was 6% behind (every child is different so everyone would not meet the exact age appropriateness, they said there is nothing abnormal and that is actually behind until 16% behind). Her Communication was 4-7% behind which is once again in the normal range. We will be having a speech evaluation next week and I think we may be finally getting rid of speech after that. Then her fine motor and gross motor is still behind enough to need services. We have seen great improvement in her Occupational Therapy since she has gotten her glasses. Her depth perception was off before that and made such things as stacking extremely difficult. Physically she is growing with leaps and bounds. With the right motivation (which is tricky to figure out) she can pull herself into a standing position and walk alongside the couch. Without the right motivation she is a pretty hopeless case :-) .
What an adventure we have been on with this little girl. Life is crazy but we are praising the Lord for this wonderful opportunity we have to be her parents. I never pictured myself being a special needs mom but I love it! I never know when she is going to suddenly learn something new because there is no textbook answer for when she should be doing something. Keeps life exciting. She is the sweetest little thing ever and I love how she will still snuggle with mommy and daddy. She is never too busy to sit on our lap or lay on our shoulder. She loves hugs and says "love you" quite often. She quotes lines from pooh and is learning to say her ABC's and to count to ten (she does 2,6,9 and 10). We are thankful for our smart beautiful sweet angel. Wouldn't trade her for anything!